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Context

(while trying to find the best music instructor for my 5 year-old niece, I sent emails to various highly-regarded teachers asking if they were available to instruct her. I wrote that the recreational temp-service instructors thst she was currently doodling around with were not particularly good, canceled consistently, and weren’t pedagocially inclined towards training children. I was not that direct about it but that’s the hidden core of what I was saying. One of the instructors that I was seeking out betrayed me and told the owner of the “academy,” who subsequently harassed me and threatened legal action. Since I was drunk that fine morning, I decided I was going to just weird him away, like dismembering a pesky fly by showing it a Jodorowsky movie. It worked and I had fun writing it. I then had the brilliant idea of writing more shithead emails to other shitheads and that’s how this whole business got started. I popped my cherry that morning, and although my hymen has grown back in prestige condition, I continue to write emails.)

 

His complaint:

On Monday, March 24, 2014 10:43 AM, Michelle Gorrelli wrote:

Mr. Cabrera

First let me introduce myself. I am the owner of Arpeggio Music Academy. Your daughter is not a student here and never has been. That being said I am very interested to know why you state she is. What is the purpose of an email that slanders the reputation of my business? Please contact me in regards to this as soon as possible. Thank you,

Michael Gorrelli President Arpeggio Music Academy

 

 

My response:

Mr. Tortellini,

I am extremely sorry for the miscommunication, but I was referring to the Arpeggio Academy in Vienna. Austria, (rather than the San Antonio Arpeggio “Music” Academy, which I’m sure is comparable), the training ground for geniuses such as Mozart, Hayden, Fellini, Mustrocini, Fibonacci, Steinberg, Berghauser, and Jones. If your source misinterpreted my information, I must suggest that she do her homework. My daughter is currently working on Beethoven’s Grosse Fugue and I demanded that she get instruction before my ears fell off. She was adept in atonal composition at three years of age and performed Schoenbergs Birkenstock trilogy at four. According to Code.565758. B Article 375 Musical Law, slander can be reprimanded only in the case of a direct violation of the instructor’s academic credentials or lack of mental health. Rather, I feel that this is an attack on the development of a young female Jewish musician, which, I assure you, is a much more morally corrupt offense than writing about the truth of an academy in Vienna. Code 1632.-6. Paragraph 1999 of the law also states that slandering a nonslanderer on the basis of lack of homework entitles the victim to half of the of second slander’s yearly income as well as a formal apology on the Fox News 29 channel. As far as I’m concerned, I don’t even want it. If Siri Voice Recognition has failed to communicate this information correctly, I apologize. She/her (we have to be politically correct here) and your attorney can speak with each other about this case(The IPhone 6 Siri version has a law degree from Ohio State, a notoriously reckless Institution known for raising very litigious students; I believe L.Ron Hubbard’s lawyers attended the College, if Siri is correct).If I have to send my prodigious offspring to the Julliard, I would be happy to, despite the long drive. They have no problems with Jewish students. I would suggest that you get help for your lack of dignity and anti-semitism(as you know, an infamous dictator was also an anti-semite). If you care to pursue legal action, I will see you in Vienna. Otherwise, I would like to formally invite you to her conducting of John Cage’s 4′ 33′ at the O’Reilly Jewish Temple on Jones-Maltzberger and 39th.

With Love,

Rick Cabrera

 

No Reponse

One thought on “Music Academy Asshole

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