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My Inquiry:

Dear Ben White Floral,

I’ve always loved your flowers and arrangements. You have some talented people working for you. That’s why I have come back to you time and time again. For Valentines Day, I need three sets of a flowers, that will be specified below. The important things are the notes. These are people I care about, and they need to know how much I do. Here is what I’d like you to write on the three arrangements:

Arrangement 1)

“Dear Martha,

My love, my soul, the mother of my children, my darling wife. I am so lucky to have married such a remarkable woman. Christ has a way of bringing two heavenly souls together. I have loved every moment that we have spent together, and never want to leave your side. Ever. I hate that I have to leave you in March, to go to that (forgive me for using his name in vain, but) godawful conference in Austin. I would rather quit than be without you for a weekend.

Your loving husband

Rick Cabrera”

Arrangement 2)

“Dear Daisy,

When we first met, I was so mesmerized by your beauty and wit. You are so smart and wonderful, you knew exactly where to find that book on woodworking that I was looking for. You’re probably the most intelligent woman working at any bookstore in central Texas. I think we would be excellent partners. I think that we should take this to the next level. I can’t wait to see in March, when I’ll be there for a Flooring conference. You can teach me about your yoga. Cheers.

Your Intellectual Soulmate,

Rick Cabrera”

Arrangement 3)

“My Sexy Christee,

Hey babe. I thought you were the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen when I met you at the Seattle conference. I was blown away that you were single. So hot. I know that we don’t get to see each other often, but our desires cross state lines. We had the most unbelievable time, and I enjoyed it when you kept your heels on. I can’t get the smell of you out my mind. Our daily texts are not enough, I NEED to be with you. I cannot wait to see you in March, at the Austin conference. I hope you don’t mind getting a hotel in your home town. Please wear that same dress.

Your Faithful Servant,

Rick Cabrera”

So for my wife Martha, make the arrangement with anything thats on sale. The least expensive flowers you have. And I don’t think that I’ll even need a dozen. A half dozen will do fine. And for Daisy, I’d like you to arrange daisies intermixed with orchids. That will make me look intelligent and clever. As for Christee, I’d like to send a dozen red roses of your finest quality, along with chocolates with a caramel filling. Actually make that two dozen. None with bent stems, they need to be firm and erect. I am glad that a business with your dedication and skill still exists, in this day and age. Thank you very much for your service.

Regards,

Rick Cabrera

Their Response:

Mr. Cabrera,
We do not have any record of your past purchases here at Ben White Florist. You must have us confused with another florist.
Thank You and Have a Good Day.

Ben White Florist

My Response:

Ben White Florist,

Sorry. I had you mixed up with another florist but was referred to you by EcoChic floral, who said that Ben White Floral was one of the best in the business. This is why there was some confusion. You are willing to accept new customers, correct? I still need the arrangements in time for Valentine’s Day. Money is no issue here, as I would pay any amount to let these women know how much I care for them. Please email me back so I can give you some more of the details concerning the arrangements. Thank you for your help.

Regards,

Rick Cabrera

 

Their Response:

Hi Mr. Cabrera,

We would be more then happy to help you with these arrangements. You have some very specific requests, so in order for us to best help you, we need you to give us a call here at the shop. Also, we have a website you can visit if you would like to pick something we have already assembled at http://www.benwhiteflorist.com The number here is (512) 447-3577 Please ask for me, Tina. We will be here tomorrow 8-5.
Thank you for your interest in Ben White Florist and Have a Great Day!
Tina

 

My Response:

Tina,

Thanks for your help. Your customer service is impeccable and will be noted for my Yelp review. I will try to contact you today, after my evening church service. I’m also a substitute preacher at a local church on the north side of town. Unfortunately the regular one is getting old and is developing Alzheimer’s, which has led to him preaching about issues irrelevant to Holy Scripture. He also forgets where he is while preaching and begins to talk about his breakfast, asking the members to make him smurf and dolphin omelettes. Here is a preliminary picture of what I am going for:

Martha is a sweetheart and I want to renew our vows. I plan on getting her a ring and placing around the stem of one of the roses. The last wife I had, Sharon, I had a pastry chef put a ring in a chocolate and she swallowed it. We had to rush her to a gastroenterologist and, over the course of their checkups and visitations, she began an affair that ended our marriage. Affairs are about the worst thing you can do to a person. That is why you have to make sure to get the names correct on the cards. I won’t let that happen again, so the ring will go on a stem. This is safer, unless she decides to eat the flower. I would like for you to pick out a ring, place it on the stem, call me, and I will pay for the ring plus an extra five hundred dollars for the work. It must be gold. The ring I gave the last wife had lead in it, which is why her and Dr. Hutchins got to see each other so often. She was very ill, and I had to pay a woman from Craigslist to watch over her.

Daisy is a different ball of wax altogether. She has a Ph.D in anthropology from Yale and is someone who I can talk to about more intelligent things (my wife Martha isn’t very intellectual), like new technologies and books and movies. I need wit and smarts in this arrangement. Maybe you could make an arrangement in the shape of a female Karl Marx (she’s a feminist who believes that a centralized economy would breed a mass ideology where caring for others is more important than the important individualism and work ethic that Capitalism is responsible for). That being said, she is my connection to the ivory-tower world of academia that I secretly wish I was apart of, where I could sing the praises of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I looked on your website and wasn’t sure if any were appropriate for Christee. We have a very special relationship that requires various forms of submission and domination. Could you make an arrangement that has a man kissing the boots of a woman dressed in what looks like black leather?

So I think that this is going to have to be a customized project. As I’ve stated before, money is no object here. I am a good (very good) flooring salesman, as well as a preacher who has unlimited access to the tithings provided by our church members. Feel free to email me about any other ideas that you might have. But you must remember to get the names on the cards correct. If my wife or mistresses found out about each other, I would be in big trouble. I don’t think that my preaching skills would get me out of that bind. I really appreciate your help with this matter. Five stars on Yelp for you!!! Thanks again. God bless.

Regards,

Rick Cabrera

 

Their Response:

Mr. Cabrera
As you know, this is a very busy time of year for us.If you are able to find something on our website, we would be happy to deliver them for you. Unfortunately we won’t be able to create your specific requests. Thank you for your interest in Ben White florist and Have a Good Day!
Tina

 My Response:

Tina,

I checked your website and you have some beautiful arrangements, and every woman in my life deserves something beautiful this time of year. Any time of year. Except for my mother, who once pretended to be a licensed podiatrist, rather then a cardiovascular surgeon. Why be a cat when you can be a giraffe eating the leaves of a higher calling? Like our Lord Jesus. I have this sense for people, even those I’ve never physically met. I can almost see the pictures in their selfphones, and know whether they have good dreams or nightmares. I once knew that my goldfish was going to need a hip replacement within the month or he was going to die a very painful death. I like the “Red Delicious” arrangement. Did you come up that? I bet you did, you seem smart. I think that the color red has the most best tasting foods in the world. Cherries, apples, strawberries, radishes, raspberries, salsa, licorIce, pizza sauce, and many, many others. More than yellow or even purple. The “Southern Charms” arrangement is great as well. Southerners really do have charm. I once read a tweet that had a link to a blog article that read “The Charm of the South: The Science Behind It”. I should have clicked the link, but I’m sure that it said that there is an biologically evolutionary reason behind the charm of the south, probably having to do with DNA reasons. You live in Austin I assume. You seem extremely articulate and caring, yet direct, in your emails. Dare I say even a little “Sweet and Sassy”?(Ha!thats one of your arrangements I made a funny joke about). I’m going to be in Austin in March for a conference, and since you’ve been so much help and shown such kindness, I’d like to return the favor. I think it would be wonderful if I could take you out for dinner and drinks. Jesus is giving me signs about this one. He knows that you are all I think about. I pray hoping you are well. I have your number at the shop, and I’m gonna give you a call. See you in March.

Regards,

Rick Cabrera

DONE

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