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My Inquiry:

Phoenix Vape,

Hello, this is Rick Cabrera, a local entrepreneur and fellow vapor. I am leasing a property next to yours and was told that, before I can get clearance with the real estate financing company, I can have be of no serious competing threat to any of the preexisting business in the area, and have to get permission from the aforementioned businesses. I assured them that this is not the case. I am developing a Christian Vaping establishment, a religious ground where people of faith who have the potential to drift off into the sin of smoking might come to redeem themselves through the glory of the non-combustible inhale. My grandfather, a member of the British parliament, was an ex-smoker, as well as being the person who showed me the light of Christ, and always said that God hated fags. Unfortunately, I started smoking at seventeen, promptly quit, and now hate fags myself. They are carcinogenic, nasty devices, and I propose to do my best to help all those of faith rid themselves of the habit. So, in the next few months, we will be contracting the establishment of God Hates Fags: the Alternivape to Singarettes. I feel strongly that this shop/movement will resonate with those plagued by the pressure to smoke. And I will do everything in my mortal power to defer to the wishes of our Heavenly Father, and vape, rather than rape, my lungs. Thank you for your time. God willing, and with your permission, we will be neighbors soon.

Regards,

Rick Cabrera

Their Response:

Hey Rick,

What is the nature of your business (how do you plan to sustain your business)? What are you trying to sell?

PVS

My Response:

James,

I apologize for the deferred response. I plan on achieving a number of goals. First, I would like to sell vaporizers and, most importantly, vaporizer liquid that has the blessing of our Heavenly Father. All of our liquid will be named with Christian-based titles. Examples include: Communion (cracker and wine flavored), Blood of Christ (a sweet blood flavor), Heaven’s Cloud (marshmallow and raindrop), Pearly Gates (oyster and banana), etc. These have already been manufactured and are in storage. Consistent with my religious mission, each of these will be blessed by a holy member of the Clergy, as is Holy Water (another one of our flavors, actually). Second, I would like to establish a lounge where people of faith can feel immersed in the essence of Christianity, like one feels at Church, rather than at a bar, a den of iniquity. We will hold mass, as well as have sermons. This has the added benefit of making the vaporizer shop and lounge tax-exempt, as a place of worship should be. I strongly feel that there are many devout Christians that would populate our place of business and worship. Thanks for your inquiry, and I hope to be meeting you soon. God bless.

Regards,

Rick Cabrera

Their Response:

Hey Rick,

Interesting.  Where is your location going to be?

James

My Response:

Hey James,

Thanks for your inquiry. Now that we have extensively discussed the matter, I think that we should go into business together. We could redesign your shop according to the plans that I have worked out. I will let you have some say in this process, but I think the Holy Father’s wishes should remain with me. You are a man of faith, I presume. I would be willing to even let you write small bits of the sermons, if necessary. It is hard work doing that all on my own. I used to have a person helping me online, but it turned out that it was a woman, and a Methodist, therefore I had to let her go. I believe that we could have a very symbiotic relationship. I very strongly believe in baptism by vape. We could begin the process by not informing your current customers that they are vaping blessed liquid, ensuring that the initial baptism has taken place. I performed this service once, on beer within a pub in Dublin, but unfortunately got beaten. It didn’t matter though, as I was willing to sacrifice everything to convert more sinners. Then, once we inform them of the initial baptism, we will inform them that they are now under the guidance of our Holy Father, and they will surely see the light. Phoenix Vape will become famous all around town for this act of generosity. At this point, we can unveil the new mission for the shop, and the followers will come storming in. Finally, we will change its name to the one mentioned before, redesign the shop in a more faith-friendly fashion, file the tax-exemption forms, and just count the dollars coming in. We will have to donate some of the money to local faith-affiliated organizations, but that will be a minor portion compared to what we will be making. I have always wanted a nice boat, as I am sure you have also, and now I will finally be able to afford it. I will name it “The Mother Mary.” You have to give it a woman’s name. At least this is what I have been told. What will you name yours? So the business plan is rock-solid. I always wanted to have a rock-solid business plan. I like the word “rock-solid.” It kind of sounds like “roach salad,” which I think is funny. I can’t really imagine putting roaches in a salad, but if I did, I am sure the Holy Father would get a kick out of it. Most people don’t realize that he has a sense of humor. He once told me a joke about why he couldn’t have been born in Mexico. Guess why. Because they couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin!!! I first thought that it was a little bit racist, but then I realized that he was merely being facetious, and remembered that he loves all of his children, the Mexican ones too. God doesn’t see color. Not because he is color blind. I believe that that saying is figurative. Of course he can see color, he can see everything, from the smallest to the largest. And he will watch over our business, I assure you. As long as we are spreading his word. The other vape shops, not devoted to him, will not survive his wrath. So get ready, these will be profitable times for us. Both monetarily and spiritually. Talk to you soon and God Bless.

Regards,

Rick Cabrera

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